Thursday, September 14, 2006

DESPERATE MOMMY

Help I need some mommy advice. I have a four year old who is so disobedient I have honestly been around a million children and I have never experienced the things that he does. He will not listen to me for anything I can spank him pray with him and tell him to go to his room or to just sit on the couch he will run from me and scream at the top of his lungs at me I hate you you are stupid dumb idiot he will yell I am not listening to you. He punches me and hits me the other day he kicked me right in the face while I was discipline him.
He punches his siblings he hits the wall he throws him self down and he will run out side from me or down the street. I am so desperate for some help if I was not a Christian he would be a some kind of drugs to calm him down and make my life easier. I have to say that I am really nervous about throwing my self out their sharing such intimate problems about my child so please be nice to be on the advice but please help me I am desperate. I know what God word says about spanking him I have no problem doing that. I pray with him after wards and try to love him but at the same time it's hard too find the balance. Please be praying for me I hate the way I feel right now.
Char

14 comments:

lindiepindie said...

Hi Sweetie - That is so open of you to share. I'm emailing you soon.

Polka Dotted Pickles said...

I will pray for you! I can't say much, because I've obviously never had a four year old. Keep going though! The hard times don't keep going forever.

terrible speller said...

I am proud of you for posting this. Most moms would want to hide this like some dirty little secret. My advice is to seek profession help. Honestly this does not sound like the norm. I have been around a tons of kids and I think this is not chalked up to bad parenting or a difficult child. Something else may be going on with him, and someone who can observe and be more objective should be able to help. Asking for help in no way means you have failed. I think it takes more guts to seek help than to just hide it and try to keep going on with no improvement.

In the mean time, for discipline, make consequences that affect him, in an emotional way. Like take a favorite toy, no TV, find a consquence that will break his will, not his spirit. For each kid it is different and when I can't get obedience I know what strings to pull with mine and "where it hurts them most" (not talking about physical hurt) and then I see some changes.

you may want to stop spanking for a while since he is using his fist (and legs) to communicate frustration. Oh, one more idea, if he is pitching a fit, pick him up or drag him to a room, close the door, and calmly say, I am sorry you are chosing this, but I cannot watch you behave that way. Try to stay calm. If he gets you all worked up, something deep inside is telling him, he is winning. I am NO expert. These are just things that came to mind.

Hope this helps. Remember, you are not failing. Keep seeking answers and I will be praying for you.

Kat said...

Hey Char!

I thank you also for your honesty in sharing this... You are wise to open yourself to other's insight and be open and humble to accept help. I am confident the Lord will help you with this!

I am not one of those peoplewho has any wisdom like terrible speller above :-) but I can share a resource that I have found helpful. One is Shepherding A Child's Heart by Tedd Tripp. This book is so helpful in identifying some of the underlying issues that might be going on in a child's heart and how to address those issues Biblically through both communication and discipline. This is one of my favorite books. I am only on baby #1, so I am truly not one to dispense advice, but after teaching middle school for the last 7 years, I can say that his book is chock full of wisdom on the complexity of the human heart ;-).

I look forward to you participating on Tuesday...I'm sure you have so many wonderful wise things to share! Blessings to you dear Char and I will keep you in my prayers!

Emily said...

Oh Char, I know how hard it is to not understand a child's heart. Joel went through a phase (do you remember?)when he was about 2. He would hit me, kick me and it started scaring me because he was so violent. Now being out on the other side of it I can make a few observations which may or may not have any relevancy... Joel was at his peak in "child violence" when Bob and I were going through the roughest part of our marriage. We would fight all the time and although we didn't fight every time infront of Joel, he certainly picked up on it. He responded to me in a child like mimic to how Bob and I responded to eachother. Because he couldn't express all those "wonderful" words we said to eachother, he acted it out. I also believe that it was at a time where we were under a major "siege" by the enemy. I firmly believe that was a major factor and now knowing how sensitve Joel is to those things, I really think that played a part. Not only did I pray for him, I prayed over him for protection from the evil one and his little lackys. For us it also took Bob majorly stepping in and establishing that he could not under any circumstances treat mom like that period. This was no an overnight remedy but over a period of time (6-8 months) his behavior changed. Just hang in there girl and don't turn yourself over to passing "whims". God says He is faithful and will be faithful to finish what He has started in us and that includes your son. Side note- How are your family devotions going? This is an awesome opportunity to have all 6 of you together in God's Word, prayer and fellowship. He can see the family revolve around God and family not just him and his naughty behavior. Oh and remember you guys are starting some major life changes and your little guy is probably picking up on the stress and anticipation. I'll be praying for you. I love you and remember to use this time to draw nearer to our Savior.
Em

RANDI said...

Hey Char,

Hmmm...not quite sure what the answer is for this one, but i do know that God is faithful! When we need wisdom, He dispenses it to us. Don't forget that He has your little guy's interests at heart even more than you do.

Here are a couple of things you might try:

--Lay off the spanking a bit and apply some more meaningful consequences to him. I had to do this with Josiah alot. We still spanked, but for him, the spank was a quick way to get through consequences and move on to what he felt like doing. Try taking away toys, movie time, time with friends? Try to make the punishment fit the crime, so to speak.

--Also, don't feel bad taking some time away from school to get a handle on this. It may be easier for all of you to have a few days of rest while you focus on your guy.

--Sheparding a Child's Heart is a great book. Craig and I in the middle of reading it now and we are relearning so much that we forgot.

OK, I hope that helps a bit. I am going to be gone most of the day tomorrow, but call me on Tuesday and we can chat. I never thought we would live through Josiah, but God is gracious and He is able and much has changed with him.

Hang in there!

truth said...

Can I ask what it is about being a Christian that means medication is not ok? I admit I used to believe that as a Christian a disobedient child automatically meant the parent wasn't doing something right. But after having a grandchild that has disabilities, the Lord has shown me a whole other way to look at things.

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you right now. May God grant you His true wisdom in dealing with this special challenge in your life.

Tanya Nichols said...

I think all the women above have said what needs to be said!! I would only add that you find a fabulous christian family therapist for yourself...as well as the tinyone!! I would say that the Lord always tells to us to reach out for wisdom from knowledgable people...a therapist is trained to help people with their lives....
Being a christian does not mean knowing everything...i will pray you find that wisdom that you are searching for. Much Love...Tanya

Polka Dotted Pickles said...

Hi! I hope things have been better lately. Have a great Sunday!

mommy to four j's said...

Thank you so muc ladies for all of your sweet comments. The one thing that I have seen from all of this it all of the advice that I recieved is that I need to be in prayer for him all of the time. I also need to be consistent in all that I do with him. My husband is taking over when ever he is home. That shows Jacob that he can't treat me like that.
Char

Mrs. Darling said...

Did you ever think that his problem could be a chemical problem? He may actually need meds. Look into things like sensory integration disorder or oppostitional defiance disorder or attention deficit. Sometimes our children are not meaning to be bad and it goes way beyond a discipline problem. I have a daughter with a sensory problem and with ODD. Her behavior is terrible. With therapy to integrte the senses she is getting much better. I dont know whats wrong with your child I just want to shed light on the fact that it may not all be your form or lack of dsicipline.

Kate said...

Char - been thinking of you and hoping and praying that things are starting to look up. Keep us posted. All of us moms can relate in some way and just know we do care and want things to get better for you! Hugs - :)

Wendy said...

Sounds like you are getting some good advice here.

I also like the Tedd Tripp book and another book called Don't make me count to three by Ginger Plowman.

Jfur said...

Hi Char,
I have a 3 yr old that has some serious attitude issues. Especially of late due to all the major changes in our lives, so he is acting out even more.
We have moved in with my sister due to my health, and that means my 3 yr old now shares a room with his 9 yr old cousin. It is hard on both of them and it is a constant struggle of who's in charge. so I can sympathize with how you are feeling.
One thing that we have implemented is a new rule: that is "If you hit, you sit" that is what we tell him if he hits anybody. He has to sit in time out, in which a timer is set, and he also has to sit on his hands. I believe this teaches him that what he did with his hands is not an ok behavior. It has started working and we will stick with it for long period of time to let it sink in. I have read that things don't work overnight and to pick one way of discipline and stick to it. Anyway, I jsut wanted to share our method with you in case it may help in your situation.
Hope that helps. :-) Take care. And God bless.

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I'm a mom to six amazing blessings. I am married to my best friend. I am a child of God. I am a big sinner saved by his Grace. My children are my life we have Jordan he rocks on drums. My Janae is a pro soccer player. Jacob is a artist, jesiah is a comedian in training by daddy, Jenna is our little princess on her way out of diapers. Baby Jace is exploring his world around him.